Weighting on Improvement


Tim Allen stopped by last night. He’d helped out a friend of mine, had really helped improve her life. So I was kind of pleading with him to offer me words of wisdom before he needed to take off. His schedule was packed with appearances and the like, typical of any Hollywood sitcom star.

He stands there, by my purplish chair in my bedroom, and goes “You’ve gotten really fat.”

“I know I know I know!” I said. Tim wasn’t being mean, just sort of matter of (face the) fact.

Then I woke up.

Before falling asleep last night I saw his new show, “Last Man Standing” advertised.

Here are some Tim Allen factoids: On October 2, 1978, Allen was arrested in Michigan for cocaine possession. He provided the names of other dealers and served 2 years and 4 months in a Minnesota prison. Seems like his Home Improvement started with the interior because after the drug years he parlayed his talent into television and movie stardom.

Then, in 1997, Allen was again arrested for DUI and listen to this sad fact, at age 11 Allen’s father was killed by a drunk driver. I don’t know if he’s sober but he hasn’t had a brush with the law since.

Contrary to what may be gleaned by the amount of space being donated to Allen’s story, I have never really considered Tim Allen beyond thinking he had a knack for comedy when I used to watch “Home Improvement.” But he did take the time to come into my dream last night so it’s really the least I could do.

Now beyond laying new tile in our bathroom, there is some interior work needed in my home as well. I’ve gained about 50 pounds over the last 6 years. These calories have not all been tasty. Sometimes I eat just to eat and it’s not really that fun.

Last night I ate some Stouffer’s Macaroni and Cheese and I didn’t even really like it. Too cheesy. But I had two helpings.

About six months ago I got a glimpse of myself in a mirror. Don’t get me wrong, I look in the mirror everyday when I wash my face. But this time I was dressed and in a doctor’s office. I saw my arms as they really appear. What? I sort of couldn’t believe that was me.

I came home and apologized to the Dude, I mean when you are married I think a certain responsibility to maintain yourself is woven into the marriage vow. I’ve apologized to both my kids, nothing drawn out or maudlin, but I feel like I’ve let them down because now they have a fat mom. Who wants that?

Something is off-kilter inside, I know I must be avoiding something and am substituting food for positive action. Or else I have brown fat. Or, here is another idea: maybe I need to excercise. Oh stop. Sometimes I say the most ridiculous things. After two knee surgeries I can still walk and I can swim, both wonderful for a healthy body. Will someone come over with a cattle prod and get me out there?

Today I’m considering stopping by a weight-loss center. However paying money to anyone to help a person consume less seems absurd to me.

Maybe Tim Allen was my brain’s way of telling me I need to improve my home’s interior and positive change depends on me taking the first little step. I can’t lay tile but I can lose weight. You know, in theory.

Home Improvement. Get the best value if you start inside.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s