Wall of Fear


I’m not bragging, but I have walked my dog twice in the last two days.

If you read my last post you’ll know I don’t excercise these days (years) and have gained mucho weight. I feel so embarrassed over the size of my thighs I don’t roam the neighborhood because “people will see me.”

The last two days I’ve awoken at 5:20 am and taken 25 minutes jaunts with our eager and grateful canine. My teenage son wakes up at 6 am for school and I like to be here for that. Actually, I feel I need to make sure “that” happens.

It isn’t like I am completely without awareness of the need to move: I’ve been trying to park far from store entrances for a while now and have lately been increasing that distance. It is a small thing, but I figure any movement helps wake up sleeping neurotransmitters and dislodge fat from its numerous resting places.

My goal is an hour and a half of walking 5 days a week. It might be a slow transition because I figure only after I lose 20 pounds will I venture out in the daylight where all eyes can view my glory, and the earliest I’m going to wake up is 5 am. Contrary to what you might be thinking, I am not that crazy.

Do I think most people would care or even notice this woman out hoofing it? Rationally, no. But staying true to my paranoid form, I know that EVERYONE IS WATCHING ME.

Even more important than the fact that everyone is watching me, acquaintances and strangers might be looking at me and forming unfavorable opinions.

I know! It is a lot to keep track of and the force field I’ve erected does not deflect these potentially unfavorable opinions. I can think of two things that directly inspired me to finally wake up early and get outside: after that last post my neighbor Michelle e-mailed me that “I can hear it in your voice (writing) that this is the cause of great pain.”  Dang it!

That little bit of reaching across the pavement of insecurities was helpful. Plus, the other night I went upstairs to talk to my son after buzzing around while cleaning downstairs and I was out-of-breath. I didn’t even notice but EJD asked why?

I had to pause. Darn. I was trapped. Yeah, I said, I’m out of shape. But I quickly informed him that I used to jog over 5 miles a day (hence the knee surgery) and road my bike alone for two weeks in the mountains in my 20s.  It wasn’t necessarily for ego that I told him this, I was leery of setting a bad example. I quickly interjected “Don’t you do this” and motioned to my overweight body.

The next day I woke up early and walked. Today I woke up early and walked. When it rains, I plan on walking. I still have time to set a good example.

Thank goodness.


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